When Madyson was seven years old she was diagnosed with Juvenile Diabetes. That was eight years ago and she still is fighting this disease everyday of her life since. If there was any kind of gift that I would give someone it would be to give Madyson the gift of better health so that she didn’t have to deal with this anymore. Madyson is my sister and I have seen personally how hard it has been for her to have to experience this disease in her life.
Madyson came home after a regular check up at the doctor’s office to tell us that she would have to be spending a few days at Primary Children’s Hospital to learn how to take care of her new diagnosed disease. She was very nervous and so was the rest of our family. How would this change affect our family?
She stayed at the hospital and me and my other siblings stayed at my grandmas not knowing what was going on and really not knowing much about what diabetes was and how my sister would have to deal with it. While she was at the hospital she learned how to prick her finger and test her blood sugar levels, she learned how to give and receive a shot, and she learned how to eat so that she could control her body more.
In the eight years that my sister has gone through this we have learned a lot about diabetes and we have learned a lot about the effects it has on people and how many people have this common disease. My family has been affected a lot also but I think that it has been for better. Ever since my sister was diagnosed my family has done all that we can do to volunteer and to help out the American Diabetes Association as much as we can.
We helped at a clubhouse that happens every year for children who have just been diagnosed from ages 3-9 and it gives them a chance to come and meet other kids who share the same unique thing and it also teaches them how to take care of their body. We also help at a diabetes run which is a fundraiser to earn money to give to researchers to help find a cure.
I think that Mady would be very deserving of this gift and I hope that one day there will be a way for her to get rid of what she has to do every day of her life. It is something that she and many others would deserve.
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BEAUTIFUL! Man, I was trying to figure out how to write about something maybe thats not very realistic, but I just couldn't figure it out! BUT YOU DID! not that you cant give that gift to your sister, but you know what i mean? Really great job!
ReplyDeleteThis is a good idea for your essay. However, with all due respect, your sentences are a little unexciting. Sorry, I am just trying to help (although, my essay isn't even complete). :)
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading about your sister and her diabetes. The personal experience is great and gets readers thinking about people they know who might have diabetes too.
ReplyDeleteYou definitely let readers know that your gift is to find a cure. good Job.
Your sentences are a little long, making them run-on sentences. To fix that, add some commas or break them up into smaller sentences. Again good job!
That's a really good gift, everyone wants to give loved ones a second chance. I'm not sure how you would do this, but what about giving a gift you have found because your sister has diabetes. just an idea.
ReplyDeleteHere's what I read, noticed. What stood out to me: you really love your sister. if you didnt you wouldn't be writing about her.
ReplyDeleteHere's what I think you were trying to do: i think you were trying to make people aware of what people that have diabeties have to go through.
Here's a suggestion of how you could make it better: try to put more of your emotions in it. or other peoples emotions. it was pretty boring so maybe share some expierences with her. maybe tradajies. how is she doing now? is she limited to do anything?
I really liked this essay. I don't know what Mr. Nickelback is smoking, because I honestly can say you made it interesting for me to read. I wanted to go on through the essay. It was kind of a story, which made me enjoy it more. I like how you tied that story with how you want to give that gift. Good job getting your point across that you want to find a cure for your sister and others. And the only thing that I can really say to improve is to reiterate what Max said, which is to put in a few commas or break up the sentences and such. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteIt is really good. It grabbed my attention and was very heartfelt. I noticed you focused on her struggle with her disease and how this has affected your family and what can be done to help find a cure and fight juvinile diabetes.
ReplyDeleteI liked how you made your story very clear. I understood that you and your family all love your sister very much and if you could give anything you would give her the gift of health.
One thing is, You might want to try focusing more on what you can do to help her. since you can not actually give her the gift of health, what can you give her instead? Maybe insteasd of focusing on her story of being diagnosed, you can focus on way you love her and help her be as healthy as possible of other things you do for her.
It was a really good paper. I love your gift of good health. Your paper is really good. I love the story that goes with it. I think it would help if you talked a little bit more about you gift.
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